Thursday, May 24, 2007

Geeks on dates. Having sex.

Five: Having sex.

Good grief, you have a partner!
You fancy their socks off (or on, you've a flexible nature), really like them (like them, in fact), and you think they're your equal (or better). You, or they, have managed to communicate all of that without being off-puttingly creepy. Now what?

Well, you could hang out. Listen to each other talk, go places together, introduce each other to your friends and favourite activities, and then listen to each other talk about the things you've been doing together. That's fun, interesting, and usually essential for long-term enjoyment of a partnership. Enjoy the flirting, the breath-robbing moments of eye-contact and let yourself thrill to their nearness; this part is fun and once all fear of rejection is gone things change.

You could hold hands, cuddle and kiss (gently is easier to do well; if you're not sure what you're doing just go slow and enjoy yourself, or do a Google search if you like).

You could touch your partner with your roving hands, let them go before, behind, between, above, below. Stroke, slide, circle, glide, hold. Let your hands celebrate your partner's gorgeous individual humanity. Stay still for a while and let your partner touch you too. Don't just touch the obvious places, let those places wait a little, tease them and make them ache for your touch before you get to them. Your partner's body is really quite a lot like yours, do what would feel nice to you, observe your partner's responses and work from there. Aim to please.

And, if you're feeling grown-up enough, you could have sex. We are animals and our urge for companionship is built out of an urge to make long and bushy lineages of our selfish genes, or at least to trick our sex organs into feeling like we might be going to make those lineages. And oh yes, wet friction can feel so very right, so utterly meant-to-be, so deeply emotional, urgently needed, meaningful, spiritual, right there, right now, together; Yes! Let's!

... Don't ask me how you were, I've not yet climbed back up my brainstem far enough to form an answer in language. I've not even put myself back together enough to notice you're not part of me.

Don't make sex a life or death matter. Make sure no-one gets pregnant unless you've discussed it and planned it with your partner. If you're putting a penis inside a person, do pop a condom on it first. Yes, it is worth trying a few practice unrollings (carrots stay hard longer than bananas and you can also peel and eat them afterwards), condom packets have instructions inside. If you have a vagina you should consider the injection which tries to prevent your cervix from suddenly rotting and killing you before you're half finished with enjoying sex (and keep having smears to make sure that if it rots you don't die).

Enough, I was thinking about sex. It's no fun if both partners aren't willing. If you're keen you need to find out if your partner's willing, words are the fastest and clearest way of doing this:
"Would you like to have sex?"
"No thank you" or "Yes please."
If you are telling someone you don't want to have sex with them, try to be honest about whether you'd like to but later, or whether you don't want to at all. Although having sex isn't required in a romantic relationship, not being willing to have sex is a strong negative signal on a deep level to your partner.

If you survived a ghastly past you are still allowed to enjoy sex. Doing so may require patience and understanding from your partner. You might want help understanding yourself before you share the joys of your body.

Sex involves emotions. Sometimes it makes people happy or makes close friends, other times it makes love. It's not easy to know how deeply having sex with someone is going to make you feel before you've done it but let me assure you that the first time you do it with someone isn't when you hand them your personal honour never to be retrieved. You don't need to wait for marriage, the third date, or the First of May unless you (and/or your partner) want to.



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